I am an English student, and I am plagued by impostor syndrome. They say that it is an inevitable feeling at university. That’s to be expected, I suppose. You find the most intelligent people at universities. People whose knowledge is boundless, whose confidence is intimidating. The most high-functioning people you’ll ever meet. Some people balance jobs, relationships, and social lives with the work for their course… and they still manage to get good grades. These people genuinely intimidate me, for I know that I’ll never be like them. Ever. I am just about holding my life together. These people manage to thrive.
I feel as though the people here are infinitely more intelligent than I am. More educated, well-read, articulate, witty, and confident than I’ll ever be. I’ve met some people who aren’t even studying English… yet they know more about it than I do. That is such a degrading feeling. I wish I could turn it around and say it’s a learning experience, but it happens so often that I just feel like an idiot.
The world only begins to make sense whenever I observe and listen – whenever I remain quiet. Is it true that the people who lord their intelligence over others are deeply insecure? Perhaps. Maybe quiet people are often more intelligent. The ones who gently correct others, who have to be coaxed into speaking in class, who doubt themselves every single day. I am not sure if that’s true. Perhaps I’m saying that to feel better about myself.
I am a fool. I know nothing. Nothing at all. Every day, existential doubt rouses me from idleness and compels me to write. I feel too unintelligent to be at university. The whole point of being here is to learn. Everyone around seems to learn far faster than I do. They seem to know what they’re doing in their lives. It terrifies me. What if I never improve? What if I never learn? They say to work smart, not hard. I don’t know how to work smart, and working hard doesn’t guarantee success.
I don’t know the solution. Perhaps I just need to retreat into myself. Stop talking for the sake of talking. Observe, listen, experience the world. Lean into my introverted tendencies. Perhaps that’s who I really am. I feel like an impostor because I am an impostor. I’m not myself. I should be myself.
I am a quiet observer – not the extrovert that I pretend to be.
Iestyn Tudor 